editor’s note

In April 2023, the Curious Learning Community participated in the Luhu “Flower Island Festival” market as one of the stall owners. At the market, members of Curiosity were pleased to present her gap year project spring season finale “My Book” to the audience, and invited the audience to participate in her ongoing game project questionnaire survey. This article is Xinran’s self-review in “My Book”

This is the mentor application I sent to Chi Xiao on March 12, 2023. While writing it, I realized that I have never fully reviewed and reflected on my past life, so I wrote this review. When planning to be the final project of the first season, I made supplements and improvements to the content. Thanks to Caiying (Curious Learning Community Tutor) for giving me revision suggestions!

For me, there has always been one thing that is very important to me, and that is freedom. I still can’t clearly analyze the relationship between it and me. The following are some clues I wrote based on my general impression. My thoughts on the past My memory is not very clear, so some of it is my guess

The freedom here, I just take it as a thread to connect the bits and pieces of my life, and I will not give a specific definition of freedom, maybe you can look it up, for me, what is freedom

The beginning of it all, the seed of the problem

I have fought for freedom since I was very young, but for a long, long time, the means I have used is not articulating my needs, but passive resistance

I started to learn piano at the age of 5. The kindergarten I went to was piano kindergarten. According to my mother, I learned it for 5 years. Both my mother and I vividly remember how much I hated the piano. As I grew up, my resistance became more and more intense, and finally one day, the teacher couldn’t stand it anymore and asked me to take a break to study again. Since then, I have never touched the piano. As for me, until now I don’t know the staff, and because of this, I have buried some hatred for music

Let me clarify first, I don’t do everything against my parents, I just hate people forcing me to do things I don’t want to do, there are two things I would like to learn, one is painting (I don’t like it later), the other is badminton ( I didn’t go because of the exam). The story of martial arts and horsemanship is similar to that of piano. Luckily horsemanship was the last thing they forced me to learn

If it’s just because the outside world is not free, then it’s okay to say. What’s more deadly is that my inner oppresses me

“I spent so much money on the piano, and I spent so much money on lessons for you. Why don’t you learn?”

“I’m doing it for your own good.”

“You can’t stand a single thing.”

After being disciplined by my parents, school and society, a “police” gradually emerged in my heart. It has a set of “should” and “must”. When my behavior violates its requirements, it will come out to suppress Me; when I have a problem with other people, it will search my memory, find my “crime” and make me feel guilty. There is another part of this “police”, called authority. I’m still not completely out of its shadow, I think this is a very important cause of me

There are two forces pulling in my heart, one is the “policeman” and the other is my own will. No matter which one I listen to, the other won’t make me feel better

This problem has been buried since I was very young, but it has been hidden, waiting for the day when it will explode

Curious about your previous school experience

In Beijing, I went to a private international school, where I attended primary school and the first two semesters of junior high school. Perhaps because there, the college entrance examination was not the only way out, so it was a more relaxed environment. My impression of it is that I love that school very much, and so do my classmates. After leaving there, my classmates and I both expressed our miss for it. I’ve collected some memory fragments, and I speculate that might be the cause

Fragment library

. The winter jasmine that grows before the grass in spring has sweet nectar

. Small, blue fruit that I don’t know if it’s an apricot or a peach

. Some elementary school classmates created a public account to write football comments

. The whole class plays sketches, and students write scripts

. halloween at school

. Watch the New Year’s Day party performed and hosted by classmates at school, and perform on stage at Christmas

. Primary school went to Taiwan’s ×× Elementary School for study tours, junior high school went to Japan for study tours, and stayed with Japanese families

. Chinese teacher assigns interesting writing homework

In the second semester of the second year of junior high school, my family had an accident. We were forced to move from Beijing to Xianyang, which is our hometown. I transferred to another school without any precautions. I won’t say anything, what I remember very clearly is that I hated this school. The pressure of family changes and the pressure of not being able to adapt and not wanting to adapt made me suffer from depression. When I found out, it was already very serious

My parents, like normal Chinese parents, don’t understand depression and think it’s important to go back to school, but they allow me to rest at home

Then, my mom saw the news about the curious gap year

I doubt it was the right decision to wonder when I was in such a bad state

Curiosity for the first time

In September 2018, I came to Curiosity for the first time. This period of time has brought me very valuable values ​​and perspectives to see the world, and it has also brought me a lot of pain. I basically let go of these problems, so I won’t go into details here

Curiosity is a free and inclusive environment, but freedom is a subjective feeling. Whether I am free or not depends on my heart

It’s a pity that I was not curious for self-growth at that time. Apart from some yearning, the main reason for my curiosity was to escape the isolated state and make myself “normal”

In curiosity, freedom is so easy to get, but I don’t have the courage to take this freedom. The mentors have always encouraged us to pursue what we like and do what we want to do, but I have never liked or wanted to do it. Why don’t you want to do it? I just found the answer to this question a few months ago

One reason is because, at that time, the “police” was the dominant force inside me, the “police” was always ordering me, saying what I “should” do, but it was like I was resisting my parents to force me to learn things, my inner The will is working hard against this “should”. In this struggle, my energy is consumed so much that I have no energy to think about what to do. Being dominated by the “police” also means that “unnecessary” things have no value

Another reason is that at that time, my self-will, that is, the ability to “want”, was very weak, and I didn’t even want to live, so I naturally had almost no desire for self-growth. It is worth mentioning that at that time, I thought that I “should be good”, “should be motivated”, “should do more things”, “should communicate with people”, so I would ask for help from the bottle (curious learning community tutor) to let her Tell me the method, but in contrast, “I don’t want to be good”, “I don’t want to make progress”, “I don’t want to do more” and “I don’t want to communicate with others”. I remember that the final result is often that I don’t do it at all, or it doesn’t work (like I can’t learn staves)

Later, I checked with my mentor, Chi Xiao, and he said that when I first came here, I was actually quite seriously ill. Coupled with my self-centered expression habits, my speech was ugly and aggressive, and he pushed away all those who wanted to help me. By refusing to do what is right for me, I think I know the above “should” be good for me. But I was in total combat mode (although I didn’t realize it at the time), I did everything I could to fight the “cops”, even if it was self-destructive, I’m sorry I didn’t take advantage of the help my mentors gave me.

tumultuous years

Under the pressure of “being a normal person”, after the end of the Kawagoe Project in 2019, my dad and I felt that my condition was better, and I went back to the school in my hometown, and then resisted going to that school, returning to curiosity, and taking the high school entrance examination again . It was a very painful, very confusing few years. I was like at a crossroads, surrounded by fog, forced to choose, forced to turn around, each choice is not clear enough.

Years of self-oppression made the self-willing part of me weaker and weaker. Slowly, I didn’t want to do anything, but because I “should go to school” I was always in school like a walking dead

An opportunity to leave curiosity is that the bottle asked me: “Do you want to be okay?” I replied no

I finally got tired of using “should” as a rule of thumb and decided to give up everything that “normal” people should do. When I connected to my inner voice, it replied, “I don’t want to go to school, I don’t want to socialize, I don’t want to Going out” may be the backlash of long-term self-oppression. I stayed at home for two years

two years at home

Admittedly, I wasted a lot of time at home, but it also allowed me to grow a lot. the

I have always followed a principle at home, that is: do what you want to do, and don’t do it if you don’t want to do it

At the time, I didn’t understand what I was doing, and I didn’t understand the meaning of what I was doing. This sense of meaninglessness and anxiety about the future caused me great pain. Here are my thoughts on what I did at home. Summarize

First of all, I would like to thank my parents.

Thank them for patiently waiting for my condition to improve;

Thank them for respecting my choice and not forcing me to go to the hospital;

Thank them for giving me the greatest freedom and not imposing their expectations on me;

Thank them for supporting me with listening, understanding, tolerance and acceptance;

Thank them for respecting my true wishes and encouraging me to do what I really want to do;

Thank them for their love, which allows me to restore the ability to love a little bit;

I would also like to thank them for their unreasonable trust, believing that even if I do something different from ordinary people, I can go out of my own way

From a self-level, I have done two things at home, one is called “breaking” and the other is called “rebuilding”. These two things happened in parallel, and are still going on, and doing both is also the reason why I came to be curious

01 break

What is broken is the law of the “police”, that is, the inherent concept, which I call “should”. The difficulty here is that the “cops” are part of me. The “police” was extremely dissatisfied with my stay at home. When I first stayed at home, according to my mother, I just cried from time to time, and I broke down when I saw what others said on the Internet, but now I am much calmer. , I think it’s because of this that my “cops” are more relaxed. Here are a few “shoulds”

“Should go to school”: I sometimes get very anxious at home, so I ask my parents if I should go to school, and my parents ask me, “Do you want to go to school?” I say I don’t want to, so they say Told me not to go, of course I didn’t because I didn’t have any motivation to go to school

“Should get up early”: Sleep was extremely irregular at the beginning, maybe I didn’t go to bed until 5 in the morning, and woke up at 5 in the afternoon. Later, with the help of my mother, I didn’t care so much about it, and when I didn’t care so much, I fell asleep instead Get regular, go to bed at 2 or 3 in the morning, get up from 1 to 2 in the afternoon, sleep about 10 hours a night

“Should eat on time”: With my schedule, of course I can’t eat with them. I’m ashamed that my mother helped me cook for a long time, but then I became more motivated, so I did it myself Meal + takeaway

“Should communicate with people”: At that time, the desire not to communicate with people was relatively strong

“should go out”: ditto

I’ve been measuring at home how much I care about the judgment of the anti-boundary, and when I don’t care so much, freedom follows

02 reconstruction

Breaking is not the final result. Breaking through restrictive concepts is like escaping from prison. After escaping, the heart is an endless desert.

Therefore, it is necessary to rebuild and re-establish value orientation and code of conduct

Funny, I’m doing the above “should” right now, so does that prove I’m back in “prison”? No, the reason why I can do these things now is because I want to do these things. This is the result of rebuilding. Cook because I want to take care of myself

The reconstruction methods are divided into the following types, in no order

(1) Recuperation: It is okay to allow yourself to not do things. This is very important, because for people with depression, small things that ordinary people can easily do (such as getting up) become extremely difficult. Accepting your own state is the beginning of everything getting better

(2) Games: According to Huizinga’s definition, games are free and truly autonomous. The story about me and games can be another article, but I don’t want to write it yet. I think “want” is a kind of motivation, a kind of motivation that becomes more and more powerful. I can play this kind of motivation in the game, so I would say that the game has helped me in terms of motivation

For specific stories, please see the selected works of my project this quarter. ps: This is the questionnaire I made, and the results of the survey will be displayed at the end of the term. Please help me broadcast and fill it out, thank you!

(3) Communication: including listening and expressing. Especially the communication with my mother is very valuable

In the beginning, quarreling is also a kind of communication, because everyone has emotions, and there is no way to chat calmly. In the past, the poor communication has accumulated a lot of problems. Instead of letting emotions continue to accumulate and cause more problems, it is better not to avoid conflicts. Have a good fight, talk slowly after the fight is over

After a lot of conflicts, debates and calm exchanges with my mother, our relationship is one step closer, we can talk about the world together, and discuss big “useless” issues together

(4) Psychological counseling: When I recovered to a certain extent, I had the need to ask for help, so I took the initiative to ask for psychological counseling, and I am still doing psychological counseling. I very much agree with what is said in “The Road Less Traveled” (a must-read in the spring of 2023 for the Curious Learning Community), that psychological counseling is a shortcut to mental maturity. Let go of my preconceptions and prejudices, and ask me questions. This process is actually a process of facing myself. This will allow me to understand myself better, be more sincere, and at the same time make me better able to get along with others

(5) Thinking: Talk to yourself, chat, ask and answer questions, and listen carefully to your own thoughts

Now I spend time walking almost every day, and no matter how busy I am, I will find time to communicate with myself. I find that the urge to write something always arises at this time, including this article, which was also written while I was walking and thinking.

(6) Feeling: feel your emotions, feel your will, and respect your feelings. I will see my emotions, capture them, and put them on paper, which will make me understand myself better. Doing this again and again will improve my awareness, and I will be able to react faster when I have emotions next time Come, create a space between stimulus and response, in this space, I can choose: let my emotions continue to ferment, act and talk through emotions, or calm myself down, or take other measures

(7) Learning: take in information and receive it selectively. At the beginning, the main source was station b, some of which were games, and later there were books, podcasts (mainly game metaphysics), online courses

“The Courage to Be Disliked” (a must-read for the curious learning community in spring 2023) has influenced me the most. It was shocking and painful to see teleology in the first place, because I am so used to putting the blame on other things, like depression, how other people treat me, my experiences and the environment, which of course all matter. It is a part of the influencing factors, but this book made me realize how much my inner purpose plays a role. None of the factors I mentioned above can be changed. Only when I take responsibility for my own state and situation Responsibility, and then taking other people’s responsibility off of me, I can change. After reading this book, I clearly feel what kind of choices I have at various moments in my life

Another thing I do at home is to improve the relationship with my parents. I don’t do much about it. I rely on my mother’s learning and growth. That is her growth process. Old maps” how much effort it took. My dad also ditched the “old map”, but I didn’t talk to him in detail about how he did it

In short, with the help of my parents, my heart finally took a breath from the struggle between the “police” and my inner will, and I finally got the part of freedom I needed

I believe that putting your heart’s will first is the way to find what you love; I believe my heart’s desire can lead me in the right direction. For example, I ran to do logic problems for no reason, and I took logic classes because of this

One very important event at the end of November 2022 was my conversation with my cousins, our first serious chat, but it was an open chat that convinced me that my communication skills were fine. I happily shared my favorite games with them. After that, I talked to him that I didn’t know what I liked, and he said to me: “Don’t you know?” I thought right! Why not make a game? Then I started to check how to make games when I got home, and then I learned programming

The description of the past two years has come to an end, but it only revealed the tip of the iceberg. Now I can’t imagine how I changed, how I grew up, and how I got to where I am today step by step

Curious for the third time

I saw Chi Xiao’s one-on-one paid consulting service on the curious official account, and I wanted to chat with him alone. He said that the fee is not low, and suggested that I sort out the problem and send it to him, and he will reply directly on WeChat without charging

So I sent him these words:

During the time I was at home, the game helped me a lot from the motivation level. The one that influenced me the most was ff14. It discussed the meaning of life later, and I felt that I received its answer. I seemed to understand the ff14 music director Zu Jian Zhengqing said that “games can save people’s hearts”. I want to make games that can save people’s hearts. The details may change, but I want to participate in the creation of works that may not make money but have expression. Feasible goal? Can you give me some advice? I’m learning C# programming now. I bought a video course and learned it for 20 days. It feels very interesting (but I don’t know how efficient it is). How can I learn more about game development while learning? I don’t play many games now, and I don’t know much about games and game development. I want to know more about games. Can you recommend me some websites, games, books or videos?

He said: I’m happy for you. Then answered my questions in detail. It wasn’t long before I saw the announcement of Curiosity’s new gap year program

In 2023, why am I back to being curious? Because I want to get back curious. I have so much fear of going back to being curious, but even when I’m at my lowest, I want to go, and that’s what I’m connecting with.

Another reason is that I feel that I am ready. Now I am willing to communicate with people, read books, accept new things, go to school, and grow

With some despair and some hope, it’s just the beginning. The point of despair is that I have spent a lot of time suffering and struggling, and a lot of knowledge and skills have to be accumulated slowly from now on. The hope is that I have regained the desire to explore the world, connect with others, and grow myself. The hope is that I have the courage to face up to my inadequacy and the courage to start over. The hope is that I have a beautiful belief and goal that can continue to give me strength, and my future studies are all for myself. It can be said that this is my new life.

Sharing one of my favorite quotes. A passage from Fromm’s “Escape from Freedom” reads:

“Although freedom brings man independence and rationality, it also leaves him isolated, anxious and powerless. He cannot bear this isolation, and he faces two choices: either escape the burden of freedom and re-establish dependence and surrender. relationship, or to move forward and strive for the full realization of a positive freedom based on the uniqueness and individuality of human beings.”

This passage sums up well the several times I have come to Curiosity and then left Curiosity

I want to fight for this positive freedom, I’m already on my way.